She’s the Queen of Pop, But Is He Prince Charming?

This past month, there were reports that the Spears-Asghari Marriage is “troubled”, “ending”, “exploding in flames” or whatever clickbait terminology the press/rags are using to speculate on Britney’s relationship. Shortly after the rocky-marriage reports, Sam addressed the “disgusting” TMZ Doc (without ever addressing TMZ directly…) on his stories. His IG-story-soliloquy was a last ditch effort to appeal to the public before bracing himself for a break-up. Winning over Britney-fans would help maintain his celebrity status, if they do end up parting ways. On the other hand, he could be sick and tired of the media lying about his wife, and has been without comment due to the on-going court proceedings. It’s hard to believe, as we approach the one year anniversary of Britney and Sam’s wedding, there are still more questions than ever surrounding their relationship and Britney’s well-being. Still, I cannot figure out if Sam is her trustworthy prince charming or a bamboozling, hood-winking slime-bucket puke. Even after a solid 365 days, I am still asking so many questions. Who planned that wedding? What reason would they have to photoshop her photos? Where were her friends, cousins and other people that should have been at her wedding? When did they actually get married? Why were there hardly any pictures of them as a couple – and even less photos of Britney solo? There were pictures of Sam wearing the veil, petting the horse from the carriage, but none of her… How did it all go down, and what have we figured out over the last year?

For starters, we can cover the basics, Britney wore an off-the-shoulder custom Versace dress with a slit up the side, Sam in a Versace Tux. According to Vogue, Jeffrey Best of Best Events was the wedding planner, and Britney apparently told the magazine, “We really wanted to make this a small and beautiful moment with family and friends. We wanted warm and feminine colors including blush, white, cream, and gold, and a lot of various shades of pinks, blush, and reds.” Her makeup was by Charlotte and Sofia Tilbury and, I would call it a “less is more” look, to say the least. Every picture of Britney looked like a botched photoshop, but we will get to that later on.

The first thing I remember was my sister calling me, June 9th 2022, “You know our girl is getting married today?” My stomach dropped, I always hate when my sister has the Britney Tea before I do. “Really.” I said, almost as if I was going to correct her and tell her that she must be wrong, since I’d yet to hear about it. “Yup. Reported by TMZ.” Damnit. The most evil and reliable source for celebrity news, it sounded like this was a pretty legit report. I was heading to work, and rushed her off the phone, after my ambivalent response to her completely well intentioned update. After a few hours, she called again. “Jason Alexander!” I knew immediately who she was talking about, I have known all about him since the first time I saw his face next to Britney at Las Vegas town hall in January 2004. “…He crashed the wedding! He Livestreamed it! This is incredibly weird. This is all just…” I finally interrupted her, “I don’t even know what to do with that.” I became angry. This is 2007 all over again. A spectacle. A circus. Is she okay? Where is her Mom? Did the boys really not attend the wedding? Did Jason have a weapon? Was he trying to save her? Question after question came flooding to my brain as I chatted with my sister as long as possible, until finally our respective children required we get off the phone.

After what felt like an eternity, we slowly got reports from Vanity fair, and new couple’s social media accounts, that started to put together a very confusing puzzle, and not just because Britney had 3 outfit changes. It felt much more like a Madonna Hall of Fame inductee party than Britney’s wedding, but honestly that is the least concerning aspect of the day.

One of the first things that stood out to me was Paris Hilton and her over the top explanation of the oh, so very important plans she had to cancel to be a part of Britney’s big day. “I was actually asked to DJ for the president and all of the other presidents from around the world for the dinner,” she said. “But this was more important to me.”

I don’t want to sound like I am sipping on a big old jug of hater-ade, but DJ-ing for Joe Biden sounds like literally the least cool thing you could do on planet Earth. I don’t mean any shade on Big Joe. It’s just…. he is by far the least hip President in recent history, and the mental image of Paris spinnin’ and scratching records while watching President Biden stiffly dances as she moans “That’s hawwwwwwwt” feels like someone mocking our entire generation. Paris may have, at some point, had her finger on the pulse of what is cool… but nothing lasts forever. It was so very on brand for her to make Britney’s wedding about herself.

I spy Maxi in the back-sie! Sam’s self proclaimed “bestie” was apparently in attendance for the big day. I wonder how close, if at all, he really is with Britney. From what I can tell, he played a big part in the beginnings of Sam’s career in Hollywood, but to be honest, I was pretty surprised to catch them in the background. I feel like Sam left them in the dust, so to speak. Or maybe they were never all that close.

This leads me to the… Bridal party? I guess Britney had no bridesmaids or maid of honor, but her… friends were there. Donetella Versace, Paris Hilton, Britney, Madonna, Selena Gomez and Drew Barrymore singing vogue feels extremely cringe for a plethora of reasons.

First, I have never known Britney to even be in a room with Drew Barrymore, let alone Drew being close enough to land an invite to Britney’s big day. If she is mad at her parents, I get that, and the boys needed space, I VERY MUCH get that. But… NO ONE from her family? Her Aunt that fought to end the conservatorship? Her cousins, childhood friends? No one from the movie Crossroads or any one of her tours were there. None of the folks she worked with over the years, no one was invited… but Drew? She is represented by Creative Artists Agency, by the way. Selena has not been represented by them since 2014 when she fired her parents as her management, but again, I have never known either of them to be friends with Brit. I have known Selena and Britney to reference each other’s existence maybe once or twice, but never known them to have ever spent any time together, or have any personal relationship to speak of.

Beyond the attendance of virtual strangers, I started to become concerned about virtual reality the more footage I saw from the wedding. This particular clip weirded me out. It appears that Britney’s hand goes right through Paris, like she is a hologram. I pride myself on searching for the most logical explanation for things, but on this one… I got nothing. This clip is, in my opinion, the most suspicious of all the Britney Wedding footage. But if this doesn’t convince you that the wedding was off, there is plenty more to look at.

This I found a bit odd, these invitations clearly state that the wedding would be “unplugged” meaning no cellphones allowed for Privacy reasons… but then…

Is that Matthew Rosengart? Britney’s lawyer, taking a picture at her no-photography wedding?! I mean, I guess he can get away with it, if anyone can. Not like she is going to sue him… Also, who is the broad with the microphone? Was there karaoke at Britney’s wedding? I have so many questions!

The presence of the Sheriff Department may or may not seem odd, considering how close Sam is with his local police officers. It’s interesting that Jason was able to get so far into the house, when there were police in attendance, though he did break in a few hours before the ceremony.

One of my biggest frustrations when seeing the wedding footage, was how much more Sam’s watch was featured than the bride. It really makes my skin crawl. Not one single picture of the Bride looking beautiful for her day? And yet I can make a literal slide show with pictures of Sam from that day.

Not one picture of Britney by herself on her wedding day, besides in that same fucking foyer she has been spinning and dancing in for what feels like an eternity. Why, on God’s Green Earth, would the photographer not take the bride out onto the balcony and get a picture of her, it’s just un-fucking heard of. It really hurts my heart. I really wanted to support this marriage and relationship, but Sam trying to take the spot light so much on their wedding day completely soured me on the entire idea of Sam. Almost every picture we did see of Britney seemed edited or photoshopped, leaving us with more and more questions and concerns. It makes all of us wonder, “was she even there? why would she not have a picture of herself just like Sam did?” I was already feeling icky about his meeting Britney under the approval of her father. But this wedding should have been his chance to show her supporters that he was going to celebrate her, really make her the focus and be her prince charming. From what the public saw, this looks like yet another man that is using Britney for his own vanity and ego.